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Showing posts with label stroke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stroke. Show all posts

Saturday, 7 October 2017

Life "on the edge"

Often, I find it hard to explain to others just how I feel inside having had a stroke 4 years ago. Outwardly I look well and "normal".

And yet I feel giddy when on my feet all the time and I get tired very quickly. The best way I can describe life is "on the edge". My voice is very poor and I find verbal communications hard these days.

In many ways I am lucky. Inside though I still feel well below "normal".  I am not looking for sympathy, but I do feel frustrated and quite understand how hard it must be for others with hidden disabilities. People may be suffering inside when you don't realise.

Thursday, 20 July 2017

Stroke Update

Some are interested to know how I am progressing since my stroke in September 2013.

Well, things are much the same: I still feel very tired (no, exhausted) after quite brief physical or mental exertion - normally this is after about 15-20 minutes.  My voice is poor.

I am able to drive, but I estimate it is now about 5 times harder. I also drive slower as 50mph seems like 70 mph. It is as if my brain takes longer to process things. Also, subtitles seem to change too fast and I find it hard to keep up.

Although most foods are fine, I take an age with drinks, especially tea and coffee. For some reason cold drinks are easier.

Daft things are I find spelling harder, my writing is poor now and I feel tired much of the time. I think I get more anxious too.

Outwardly, I look "well". Others do not realise that life is a real struggle most of the time.

Overall, I find it hard to see improvements now. In most ways I feel like I did a year ago.

Tuesday, 23 May 2017

Stroke Update

One of the side effects of my stroke in 2013 is that I get totally exhausted doing anything physical or mental for about 15-20 minutes.

My worst time, normally, is just after breakfast when I am "done in" and have to rest. After a short rest I am OK. I much regret being as I am, but it has left me with a great deal of sympathy for those with conditions like ME and MS. Before, I had no idea what total exhaustion meant.

Today, I put some plants in the garden. In the past this would have been trivial, but I was totally exhausted and had to rest to recover. It is very hard for others to understand.

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

More stroke

No-one, and I really do mean no-one, seems to understand how I am inside. Most of the time when on my feet I feel giddy and exhausted, but outwardly I look well. I cannot begin to explain how hard this is.

Anything mental or physical taking over 15-20 minutes and I am done in - totally exhausted.  Until my stroke I had no idea what total exhaustion was. After a rest I am back to "normal".

My short-term memory is also poorer.  It is now over 3.5 years since my cerebellum brain bleed, but I think there has been little improvement over the last year or so.  Walking on pavements with traffic is very hard.

Sunday, 25 December 2016

Stroke update

Over 3 years on now, and I am still affected by my stroke.

My main issues remain my poor voice, drinks, and giddiness/tiredness when on my feet. Overall, I am frustrated, although I know the sooner I come to terms with the new "me" the better. I feel unable to do the things that once would have been so easy. Compared with many I came off lightly. Outwardly, I look fully recovered, which is probably why I feel so frustrated. If there are now any improvements, they are painfully slow.

Nobody, and I really mean nobody, really understands: doctors and others think they understand, but they do not. For years now I have been living a sort of half-life.

Sunday, 11 December 2016

More stroke after-effects

Even years after my stroke, I am still becoming aware of some of the after-effects. My short-term memory is poor and I seem unable to see quite obvious spelling and grammatical errors. Clearly my brain is not able to process things in quite the same way it once could. I try to correct mistakes as soon as I notice them, but if I miss things, you'll know why!

Sunday, 21 August 2016

Stroke and not feeling well

Since my stroke, nearly 3 years ago now, I have felt giddy when on my feet. I tire easily but I am not sure if this is a separate issue or as a result of feeling giddy. To be honest, I have not felt well now for almost 3 years.

My health has prevented me doing so much. Yes, compared with many, I know I have come off lightly. But, I know how I was and the frustration is so great.  All my amateur radio field work is on hold and most amateur radio antenna work is impossible without the help of others. I am very grateful for the help that has been so generously given, but I would prefer to be able to do this myself.

Life can be cruel, but my limited energy is better focused on making the best of what I have and not hoping to be fully mended and as I once was.

Monday, 1 August 2016

Stroke update

Every now and again I give an update on my recovery from my stroke in 2013. There is very little change! I seem to be on a plateau now with most (all?) foods OK but I still have problems with drinks. Beer and orange are OK in small sips but I find tea (especially Lapsang Souchong) and coffee hard work. I used to love these!

All the time I feel giddy on my feet and I still tire easily after any physical or mental activity of more than about 15 minutes. My emotional threshold seems lower - I worry and cry more. I have a sick feeling most of my waking time. Sleep is fine, although I sometimes muddle dreams with reality: for example I was convinced my younger son had decided to break a journey to the Lake District here next weekend. He is coming but they have no plans to visit the Lake District. I must have dreamed this! I can drive and most cognitive functions are fine. My fine motor skills are not as good as they were.  My voice is poor.

In summary, I am having to adapt to the new "me". If things improve, great, but after all this time I am beginning to, reluctantly, accept my limitations. The main problem is people see me and say how well I look. Indeed I do look well. Inside I still feel unwell. In some ways it would be easier to have a disability that people could see.

Friday, 3 June 2016

Profound exhaustion

Since my stroke almost 3 years ago I have suffered from bouts of profound exhaustion after doing physical or mental work for more than about 20 minutes. No-one and I really do mean no-one seems to get it including medics, my wife, friends etc. They all say how well I look and assume I am fine. Well, I am definitely not right!

To be honest this gets me down. As hard as I try, this never seems to go away. I hate it.  In an ideal world I would rest more, but I know this is impossible.

I have great sympathy for others who have hidden disabilities: people may look fine on the outside but feel dreadful inside. This is how I am a lot of the time. Not always mind you. There are better days and times.

Saturday, 7 May 2016

Stroke update

2.5 years after my cerebellum brain bleed, I am still suffering. The worst are the poor speech, the profound exhaustion I suffer after most mental or physical exertion and feeling drunk all of my waking hours.

To others I look fine. This is part of my frustration: everyone thinks I am fully back to normal, whereas I know different. It is very very hard to accept.

Friday, 6 May 2016

Change - a fact of life?

It probably happens to everyone and certainly does here. One go along a path that is little changed for years and then something happens to change things - like someone stops working, you move, or someone close dies. I guess we all have to accept that change happens. It is part of life. When it happens it comes as a shock, but one has to move on.

In my case I had a stroke 2.5 years ago. At the time I expected to make a full recovery: 2.5 years later I still drive and walk and my intellect is still fine but my voice is very poor, I tire very easily with almost any physical or mental effort, and life is still a fog. Oh how I miss being my old self.

Sunday, 3 April 2016


As many will be aware I suffered a stroke 2.5 years ago. I expected to make a full recovery, but it has not worked out that way. Even now, although people tell me how well I look, I still feel giddy most of my waking hours and I tire easily.  My voice is poor and I have trouble with drinks. My fine motor skills are not good. Basically, I have struggled with things that were easy in the past. I really miss just fiddling and building. Life is much harder.

Tuesday, 29 March 2016


One of the after-effects of my stroke 2.5  years ago is I get profoundly exhausted. Very little physical or mental activity and I am exhausted. As an example, our bird table blew over in the recent winds and fell apart. In years past fixing this would have been trivial but these days it has become a major job and by the end I was shattered. You cannot imagine how frustrating this is. My fine motor skills are still poor and ladder work is all but impossible. Life is much harder these days.

Thursday, 24 March 2016

Stroke update - doctor's check up

Today I had to visit the doctor for my check-up. Blood pressure and chest were fine and my PSA levels were lower than in December and "no action is required". Overall, I still feel wobbly on my feet, thin liquids are hard work, my voice is poor and I still feel not as I was. Any improvements are hard to see. I guess this is how it is going to be now and I'd better learn to adapt.

Sunday, 13 March 2016

Stroke update

It is hard to see any improvements now 2.5 years after my cerebellum brain bleed. If improvements are occurring then they are so small they are not noticeable. I still feel giddy on my feet and I still feel sick most of the time. My liquid swallow is still poor as is my voice. I still get exhausted very quickly. If any improvements now come, they are a bonus, but I guess I have to adapt to life as it is now, much though I would like my "old" self back.

Friday, 26 February 2016

Stroke after-effect

I  have mentioned this before, but I seem far slower at noticing errors than in the past.  As an example I used the Roman phrase caveat emptor on one of my blogs yesterday.  Only a day later when this appeared on did I notice that I had the wrong spelling caveat emtor.  On my amateur radio blog I have corrected the mistake, but I had not seen it! Sometimes it is a keying error, but I should have noticed this. The error has also been corrected on the Amateur site.

Thursday, 25 February 2016

Continuing stroke after-effects

One of the post stroke effects I think I have mentioned before is driving the car.  I have done some quite longish drives in the last year but my brain "feels" like I am going faster than I am. To me, 40mph feels like 50mph and 50mph feels like 60mph. So, I drive at slower speeds than I did.  I have no idea why this should be so.  I assume this is to do with the way my brain is processing data.

Also, time seems to be different. I take longer to do things and yet time seems to be going along faster - but this may just be me getting older!

Monday, 8 February 2016

Stroke or old age?

When driving the car I seem to drive less fast than I did. To me, 50mph seems more like 60mph or faster. It is as if the world seems faster to me, at least on the roads. Also, I seem much slower doing things these days. I put these down to my stroke 2.5 years ago, but I guess I am getting older and slower.  At 67 I don't think of myself as very old though.

When our children were little we had a family joke about drivers with hats. There seemed a high correlation between drivers with hats and slow, doddery drivers. We put this down to age (most hat wearers were old) and maybe they started driving before the driving test became compulsory?

Anyway, I guess I am looked at as "a hat" these days,  even though I don't wear a hat to drive! Ho hum!

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Stroke and poor voice

Today and in December I had appointments with probably the 2 best speech consultants in the UK. Sadly, both said the same - there is little wrong with my voicebox (both put cameras down my throat through my nose) and, as I have a neurological problem, there is nothing they can do for me. I hope my voice does improve, albeit slowly, but I guess I have to come to terms with the possibility that my voice might be poor for ever. There are things I can do to improve the situation - I cannot tell when my diction is poor or I am speaking too quietly (to me it sounds loud enough!) - so I need to work on these! Not long ago I was told I might never eat again and I proved them wrong. Let us hope I prove them wrong about my voice too.

Saturday, 30 January 2016

Stroke - a bad week

Some days are like this. This week has been a bad week and I have felt particularly giddy and very tired. Hopefully next week will be better.

Unlike "pre-stroke" days, things exhaust me far more and I seem to stress more easily.  Despite this, we have still managed to get out and about. Maybe I am pushing myself too hard and my body is screaming "slow down"?

Oh, how I wish I was well again. For most of the last 2 years I have been living a hell interspersed with better days. I have felt giddy now for more than 2 years. Will it never get better?